Here's what I know: You can be flawed and loved at the same time.
For years and years I functioned under the crushing weight of having to live the life of "The Good Girl." Somehow, somewhere along the way, I came to believe that my mistakes, my flaws, my short comings were not welcome and showing my imperfection to others was unsafe.
Of course, I still had my flaws and made mistakes, but this persona's job was to go to great pains to hide them from myself and others.
When I was triggered, in pain or scared, this carefully crafted self would spring into action. Its way of helping me settle was to do all it could to present itself in the best possible light always. Even if that meant spinning the truth in the most favorable way possible (or said another way: Lying to save face).
I became aware of this tendency about 18 years ago when studying the DISC assessment. DISC is a behavior assessment tool based on the DISC theory of psychologist William Moulton Marston, which centers on four different personality traits which are currently Dominance (D), Influence (I), Steadiness (S), and Conscientiousness (C).
I am what's called a HIGH "I" - almost off the chart for "i-ness" and one of the challenges of this type is wanting and needing the good opinion of others. That has undermined my ability to take a stand for myself if I ever perceived (correctly or incorrectly) that my needs, wants, or desires would compromise my place in the good graces of others.
Fortunately, like most of us on the spiritual path I have developed skills to help me stay out of these negative behavior patterns most of the time, but even the most evolved person may still find themselves triggered from time to time.
It's in those moments of fear and doubt that the shadow structures that survived us as children show themselves.
While it may be painful, it is also precious because it opens the door for healing. Stepping through that door requires courage and strength. Confronting the scared, conditioned, misshapen parts of ourselves that hide out in the dark is not for sissies. But it is absolutely worth the effort!
My Video Diary Lessons in Love chronicles some of my real-time awarenesses as well as practices, strategies and experiences that offer healing.